a memory...

it is official - i have lost my "voice"

not my real voice - i can talk just fine

but my words my thoughts - they are stuck

so i'll write about my drive home.

i cried on my 30 minute drive home tonight.

the drive started out well enough

it was later than usual, so traffic was really light.

which should have made me happy and singing at the top of my lungs

windows open, radio blaring.

instead, a flood of memories...

or rather one face drifted into consciousness.

a girl, huge smile, big eyes, warm soul

she was one of my residents from my first year as an RA

i haven't seen her since graduating and leaving college and kansas

our paths crossed once again this weekend

but i couldn't place her when i saw her

i smiled and said hi - knowing i knew her from somewhere

but i couldn't place her - until my drive home tonight

that night i did not have a chance to remember her

there was so much going on, surrounded by family and friends

at my cousin's wedding

but on my drive home i did remember her

i missed a chance to say hello, for real....

tears because "my girls" from the 2nd floor meant so much to me that year.

i thought of them as my family - i was the "mom" on the floor...

i cared about them so much

it was their first year at school...

so many of them were so young, so sweet, so intelligent!

those girls meant so much to me, and yet...

i couldn't place her when i saw her on saturday

why couldn't i remember her when it mattered

did she remember me?

was she hurt when i didn't call her by name

give her a hug full of memories

who knows if our paths will cross again

i hope they do

when they do, i have a huge hug waiting for my friend

i will have my own studio.

a creative opportunity

unfinished cement floor - welcoming expanse with no steps up or down

a big open room with huge windows that pour in natural light.

i will create things that make people happy, just because.

a child or two - always welcome to be there too.

bedroom furniture

Growing up, I had hand me down dressers

(white ones with gold trim

that my mom had used as a child).

I loved them.

I had a bed frame and mattress but no headboard

(I always wanted the headboard that matched those little dressers -

my cousins had the headboards).

In grade school I got a danish desk / bookshelf system thing.

It was very "sleek" and minimalist (and kinda cheap).

But it served it's purpose.

Still - I always wanted a bedroom "set".

When we first moved in (almost 2 years ago)

we bought the matching bed and the chest of drawers.

A year later, we got side tables that are not part of the actual "set"....

but are close enough in color and style.

The ones that actually match the "set" are kinda chunky...

Last week, the dresser arrived.

I kind of hate the mirror - we may just not use the mirror.

Thursday April 17 2008

I used to journal... like in a real paper book with a pen.  

It always made me feel better to pour rambles onto a page.  

I'd go back and re-read entries when I wanted to relive something. 

I don't journal anymore.  

I thought I'd try a blog.  

No idea where it's going to go, or why anyone would want to read this, or if anyone ever will...