fairy-tale

what did i do to deserve this fairy-tale i am living?

To become something i never dreamed of being...

i've pretty much been "winging" it since the day of my college graduation.  

taking one day at a time.  

taking one challenge at a time.  

taking one goal at a time.  

taking one success at a time.  

taking one setback at a time. 

...today I found out that someone close to me recently lost the love of their life... not through death, but through a choice made.  it breaks my heart to think about what i would have done/who i would be today if i had to go through that a year ago, just months before my wedding day.  needless to say i would be a different person...

choices... i make dozens of them every day.  but i also realize that i do not have full control of everything in my life.  i can do certain things to prepare myself for anticipated happenings and even prepare myself to accept certain emergencies.  but i do not have a crystal ball.

i've heard that you really shouldn't talk about work within an online blog... because things online have a way of getting back to the persons that make decisions about your job security.  so i won't talk about work, except to say - it's hard.  it's not what i expected.  i have a difficult time concentrating at times.  i know that i am one of the best.  i know i am one of the most talented.  i wish i trusted more people.  i miss laughing during the day.  i am proud of what i have accomplished.  i want to live closer to work.

i definitely did not want to live in a subdivision after college - thought living downtown would be more my speed.  not going to happen.  not in this city.  so living wwwwwwaaaaaaaayyyy out - and on a street that is not part of a subdivision - is home.  it fits. right now.  but what about if there are children born?  that upstairs bedroom is pretty much filled with junk, no room for a kid.  i should fix that.  organize.  file.  trash.  donate.  sell.  i've heard that when pregnant, women do this thing called "nesting" - maybe i'll organize.file.trash.donate.sell. while i nest? ha.

watching stupid tv.  i'm catching up on all the tv i missed during high school and college, when i actually had a life. 

done.

family

i slept maybe 3 full hours this weekend - but it was worth it.  i really do enjoy being surrounded by family - my new extended family... beautiful weather, good company, lots of food - we are sooooo blessed.

convent-inspired furniture

i need accessories!!!! today, we moved the "dresser" and mirror from my grandma's house to ours.  it is very pretty, but looks sooooo old fashion (kinda convent-like, no?).  i need some modern accents to spice up the top of our stairs, now.  suggestions?  

ps - isn't Carter cute?

internal conflict

i have always been told, and have always believed, that i can do anything and be anything that i dream.  thus far, i am certain i have fulfilled my dreams and the dreams others had for me, too.  the dreams evolved as i was living them.  and that's where i am right now, an evolution...

i have this crazy creative career (say that 5 times fast)... i make a decent living... but there is something that is pulling me in another direction, and i am having horrible internal conflict to this new dream.  i don't want to let anyone down, especially myself.  society is screaming at me to continue achieving and reaching upwards in my current career - continue to be self-sufficient and responsible and dependable.  sure, maybe i could be superwoman and continue forward with current career and add new dream.  but i'm not sure i want that.  

i need to do more research.

i want to be a mom.

the look of this

... in reading blogs, i've come across a few that give suggestions for layout and design - to increase readership.  well, i'm pretty certain not many people are reading this... but i attempted to find a layout that fit into their suggestions... mainly not having white letters on black background because it's hard to read.  the unfortunate truth - i love white letters on black background - always have.  so it's going back to the original "look".  i'm sorry if it hurts your eyeballs. 

diploma

i really truly did not believe people when they told me just to get "any" diploma.  it's the piece of paper that gets the job - not necessarily where it is from or for what it was earned.  i abso-fu-cc-in-lutely did not believe them.  i thought it was sarcasm at its finest.

nope. 

it is the most true thing i have learned since leaving the cozy world of college.  the place where i slaved and worked and achieved things... last of all, a diploma.  but, i'm pretty certain i am the only person on the planet that has a job based on her schooling.  want an example?  a little story about this guy that i know... 

he went to college, changed his major about 4 times.  he finally decided on something in the business school (something easy) - finance or something of the like.  he graduated.  he got his piece of paper and moved where the weather was always sunny.  he flitted from an odd job here to one over there, moving around the country trying to find his calling.  then, followed a pretty little lust across the country to a land full of people and tall buildings.  he found a job doing odds and ends, but thought he might like what they were doing - design.  he's a talker - asked lots of questions, got himself hired as an entry designer, despite no experience or background of any sort.  the lust couldn't commit and six months later he decided he wanted to move back near his roots (his mom).  he interviewed at an office that was lacking in testosterone (too many ladies with experience and opinions) and got himself hired at one of the top design offices in the country.  good thing they didn't care what the piece of paper said.